recovery doesn't stop when you're weight restored

I’ve been in recovery from anorexia for 2 years now. And I’ve been “weight restored” (aka at my doctor-approved minimum safe weight) for probably a solid year and a half.

So I should just say I’m recovered right?

Wrong.

Because even though my weight has basically stayed the same, even though I’ve got a good 30 more pounds on my body than I did in the beginning, I’m still not okay. I’m still not done with recovery.

I’m not sure when I’ll be done with recovery, or if I ever will be.

All I know is that I still have work to do, progress to make, thoughts to challenge.

And to be honest, I think that sticking with recovery once you’re weight restored is actually the hardest part. At least it has been for me.

When I was first starting recovery, severely underweight with all the symptoms and admitted to an inpatient program, I could justify eating all the fear foods. I could justify being hungry for thousands and thousands of calories. I could justify not exercising and letting my body rest. I could justify EVERYTHING. Because I knew the point was to gain weight.

But now, I’ve gained weight. Now, on the outside, I look fine. So now, on the inside, I find the thoughts and fears almost growing louder.

Do you really need to eat that whole pint? You don’t need to gain weight.

You shouldn’t skip exercising today… you should be toning up that extra weight.

You’re recovered and now you’re just using your past ED as an excuse to be lazy and eat a ton of food.

Now I know that’s the eating disorder voice creeping back into my head but it’s so hard to ignore when the number on the scale or the size on my jeans says differently. Those numbers say I’m okay.

But the point is that I’m not okay. I’m not. 

Recovery is definitely a marathon not a sprint. And I may have reached the halfway mark but now I’m on the last stretch which just happens to be all uphill. 

Fighting through recovery after weight restoration is the make or break point. It’s the point where so many people slip back into their disorders. It’s the point where you really decide if you’re going to win your life back or give up.

And I’m not giving up. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much I want to restrict, no matter how many times I think I’ve had enough.

Recovery is worth it and it always will be.

Keep fighting loveys.

Keep going.

It’s not about weight, it’s about freedom.

Be free.